What drives this generation of young mages to prey upon their own? Are Wards and Guards at the entrances enough? Is it a cry for attention, or is there something in the very nature of learning to become a fantasy character that just drives these children over the edge?

Ogion, instructor at Roke, Earthsea, was quoted as saying, "Don't know what's gotten into kids these days." Breaking his vow of silence under the fear of being bludgeoned from behind with a heavy wand, he went on to say, "Time was students would just make up silly names for each other, or ride around in jalopies. Now it's all summoning intellect devourers and ending the universe." He shakes his hoary head. "I don't think they understand the difference. What would Halek say if he could see us now?"

No imaginary class is safe. Eyes were recently turned to the school system in Gormenghast when that model of discipline was shattered by the sudden violent demise of Headmaster Deadyawn. The new Headmaster Bellgrove warns it may have something to do with the nature of ambition: "Wherever students might get the notion that violence and mayhem were avenues to garner fame or excitement is beyond me, when sitting and staring can plainly achieve more satisfaction than anything else one might fancy." The local government continues to keep a tight lid on fancy, and whimsy, both of which are classified as controlled substances. "Our fantasy world is mercifully bereft of magic, and therefore free of rebellious tendencies," Assistant Secretary Steerpike concurred in a terse official letter.

"Oh, I think roleplaying games are to blame," commented M. Mouse, a wizard who completed his apprenticeship in the 1940s and now sits on the board of a major multinational entertainment conglomerate. "I mean, reality shows, pro wrestling, deer hunting, video games and other violent entertainment is just passive sit-and-stare enjoyment– for instance, they show respectable ad and merch revenue– but someone's own imagination? Ohhhhh!" His high-pitched voice straining up another octave as a gloved hand pointed skyward, "That's dangerous!"

But the terrible danger of roleplaying isn't just one mouse's opinion, it's the opinion of Sunnydale, California. Sunnydale sponsors a program to teach students that kids who use roleplaying are wasted losers, while studying magic is hip and desirable, and can get you girls. The late Principal Snyder of Sunnydale High points out, "It's not just the sitting. It's not just the staring. You have to insure that glassy look penetrates to their very soul." The diminutive administrator nodded, adding, "It'll maximize your profit, too." Sadly, Snyder was eaten by a giant magic snake several years ago, and is now a shade residing in hell. The snake may have been roleplaying at the time.

Fea of Ping Forest explains it all. "Roleplaying is for professionals, who make very large sums of gold to do a dangerous job called acting. Don't try it at home! Just keep sitting and staring, like you were trained!!" And she has a special just-say-no message to all you precocious students: "Kids, don't even think you can roleplay. Don't you dare bring it anywhere near the classroom. I had to go to school for years to learn how to do this."

Related stories:
Pewfell Porfingles
The Brunching Shuttlecocks

(For our British fans, the subtitle above should read "& the Philosopher's Merchandise". Cheers!)

THE JUNK DRAWER
AN AXE IN EVERYONE'S HEAD
Novelty Translation Page Becomes Big Web Draw

NEW YORK, 23 July 2001
While most of the YAMARA pages were left to seed for the past six months, there was one notable exception that kept fans aware we hadn't wandered off, or needed rescuing from a well.